Written by jd Balderdash
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Wednesday, 8 November 2006

image for Rumsfeld: 'I Kill You All'
Screen capture from alleged video, filmed entirely in Hitchcockian black and white

DISCLAIMER ** QnewZ, reporting this breaking news story makes no claims to the actual authenticity of the story being reported, even though QnewZ is reporting it ..

(QnewZ) Donald Rumsfeld, forced to resign supposedly filmed, according to one unnamed source, a chilling Message_2_America video threatening to Kill Us All. The lone source claiming to having actually seen the video is now being interrogated by Pentagon officials. Rumsfeld denying all allegations alleged by the source supposedly told unnamed officials,

"I have no knowledge of the tape or the gentleman claiming to have seen the tape. I in fact have never even MET Mr Lassiter so how could I .. I mean .. uh ..".

Secret Service agents never having published the actual name of the one they call "The_Source" asked Rumsfeld how he knew The_Source's name. Rumsfeld replied,

"I .. Listen, this WAR, the tragic loss of life of our American men and women should be the primary focus now, NOT this silly bogus interrogation so please can you .. what are you doing with those handcuffs?"

Rumsfeld now in "protective" custody promised to cooperate fully with officials. The man, now seen on TV making speeches and helping President Bush stay the course is not Rumsfeld but a Rumsfeld 'stunt double', planted by the CIA for reasons unknown.

QnewS off the record confirms that Rumsfeld's lone accuser, "The_Source" under intense questioning by CIA agents told them,

"Two nights ago I was in the basement where the Secretary stood in that .. ROOM in front of a camcorder and recorded himself threatening to kill us all. Pretty spooky stuff. After he finished recording and left the room I snuck in and played the tape. Mr Rumsfeld snuck back into the room and caught me."

"I DID NOT SNEAK IN YOU .." Rumsfed fired back saying, "I simply came back to get the .. I mean .. LISTEN, this is all a setup. We have a WAR going on folks and the most important thing right now is for us to adjust, I mean, alter .. REALIGN our course in Iraq, support our troops and, er .. is that another set of handcuffs?"

Unnamed sources say that IF the Secretary of State is found guilty of threatening to "Kill us all" he could face charges ranging from life imprisonment to .. two lives imprisonment. QnewZ reporters, off the record do confirm, without claiming confirmation that the REAL Donald Rumsfeld is now in even MORE "protective" custody than he was before. Eerily silent. In custody. In an unconfirmed location. Plotting to kill us all?

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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