Written by Igor
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Topics: America, Florida

Friday, 21 November 2003

image for Ned runs for Governor
Steen, right, warns campaign rivals not to 'mess'

A young teenager from Greenock near Glasgow has surprised America and begun a campaign to run for Governor of Florida.

The young Ned, Barry Steen (Steeny), 17, will run in the forthcoming elections against current Governor and campaign favourite John Ellis (Jeb) Bush.

Steen has declared that he intends to fight "like a raj" for the title and to "bottle any bam" who gets in his way.

Steen has left his 6 month old son Brandon and girlfriend Donna in Greenock to pursue the campaign. He was granted a three month Visa after claiming to customs that he wasn't currently on remand.

Amongst Steens controversial policies, he intends to "Legalise aww hung, and gie awah free Bucky tae wino's." Also expected to benefit from Steens policies are his "Neeburs" who will apparently be given high ranking positions in Congress.

The Homeless will be "rounded up and aww, geen Big Issues and that" and Unemployment benefits will be increased to "twae hunner a week"

Despite being a Democrat candidate, Steen has actually been given the blessing of Republican President George Bush. In a statement released from the White House, Bush insists that this "Ambitious young man" will make a worthy adversary against his Brother, Jeb.

Steen decided to run for Governor after seeing an actor elected in the recent California elections.

"Ahh wiz sittin reading the Daily Record, an they said thit Arnie wiz Governur, ahh jist thought, ah kin dae that nae bother..." Steen explained that the Department of Social Security and Child Support Agency pressure had prompted him to seek employment and due to having no political credentials whatsoever, thought that the US would be his only chance.

Campaign officials in the state capital Tallahassee fear that Steen will not be given a fair chance in the elections: "This state has a history of rigged elections, we think that Steeny would make a great leader but may not get a chance to show it." Because of what they describe as Bureaucracy and red tape, the fact that Steen was born in Greenock, has seven convictions for car theft and one for arson and is below the legal age to run for Governor, may mean that Steen has to return to Scotland at the end of the month, when his Visa runs out.

Supporters of the campaign say that democracy in Florida is dead.

Steen remains cheerful, claiming that if he wins the election, he'll sing Hi Ho Silver Lining from the top of the Empire State building and then go out for a kebab.
Dismissing criticism about his complete lack of active campaigning, Steen advises voters to think twice: "See, ye've got tae question the motives ay such people, ahh hink that I kin dae the joab better than Jeff any day, by the way."

Steen has described his rival Jeb Bush as a 'clueless nugget'.

When told that Bush had apparently laughed at some of Steens policies, he simply replied: "That's duly noted, big man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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