Written by Kevin Hanssen
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Thursday, 13 March 2014

Detroit, MI - Dedicated to re-branding their image in time for the 2014 mid-term elections, a select group of House Republicans traveled to scenic downtown Detroit, touting a new message of prosperity for the masses. The core of the new plan? Just stop being poor!

"Well, it's really quite magical, there's no other way to put it," said one Congressman, who requested that his own words not be attributed to him, or his presence at said event noted.

"Our think tanks have been hard at work, but gosh darn it, I think we've for once got the lock on the blue collar vote," said another, red-faced and sweating profusely.

There has been no official response from the White House or the House Minority leadership at this time, with one GOP analyst speculating that "[it is because] they are baffled and do not know how to turn the media spin machine against us, for once."

This comes in the wake of the new Republican healthcare plan, a one page handwritten proposal entitled, "Stop Getting Sick, Assholes", and the ground-breaking plan for resolving America's mounting mental health crisis, provocatively titled, "Suck it Up and Get Back to Work".

Despite recent polling showing voter frustration and disappointment in GOP proposals offering real solutions, or lack thereof, party officials remain convinced that this fresh new face of the Republican Party will draw in record numbers of young voters, women, minorities, and the impoverished.

When asked by a reporter about their similar confidence in 2008 and 2012 leading to electoral disaster, GOP leadership had no official comment, aside from a snide remark heard by some about "the liberal media".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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