WHITEWSHINGTON, DC - According to top secret files released by Edward Snowden, the U. S. government plans to tap into employees' computers across the nation and, indeed, around the world, monitoring their every keystroke, telephone call, and email.
Under the guise of "national security," the government intends to collect information on employees' sexual proclivities, personal interests, and whereabouts at all times.
"Uncle Sam will know when you pee," Snowden warned, "and with whom you go to bed." If an employee is having sex with someone other than his or her spouse, the government will know about this act of betrayal as well.
"Criminal prosecution could ensue," Snowden said.
Although President Obummer assures the American people that the collection of employee information is necessary and that access will be on a strictly need-to-know basis, critics point out that this is the same man who guaranteed American citizens that they could keep their health plan and their doctor if they chose to do so after Obummercare kicked in. Soon thereafter, over 5,000,000 Americans' health insurance was canceled, and many lost the doctors they had been seeing for decades and with whom they had established a rapport based upon trust and experience. He is the same president who encouraged American citizens to share personal and financial information on a web site that is patently unsecured.
"It's just a matter of whom you choose to believe," Snowden said, "me or President Obummer. Ask yourself who has told you the truth and who has lied."
Every employee from the high school student who flips burgers part-time at a fast-food restaurant to members of Congress and Supreme Court justices will be subject to this "enhanced scrutiny," Snowden cautioned. "Obummer will know your bra size, your sexual orientation and preference, and your web surfing habits. He will know whether you suffer from irritable bowel syndrome, urinary incontinence, impotence, premature ejaculation, or frigidity. He will know whether you are monogamous, polygamous, androgynous, or asexual, and whether your sexual partners include chickens and sheep."
The database will track employees throughout their careers and even into retirement, adding data as employees are hired, fired, receive raises, promoted, demoted, transferred, spindled, folded, or mutilated. It will be, in the words of a government official who refused to name names, including his own, "a system of continuous evaluation, both on and off the clock."
Everything about employees will be "fair game," the official admitted.
"Now you know why I defected to Russia," Snowden said. "I have way more freedom here than I had in Amerika."