Written by Gee Pee
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Sunday, 9 March 2014

BEAN TOWN, MA -- Boston public schools have suspended the distribution of condoms-well some condoms. Specifically, officials will no longer provide, upon request, any condom that is packaged in a wrapper that encourage users to "hump one," advertises itself to connoisseurs of oral sex as a "tasty one," or congratulate girls who agree to have sex as "one lucky lady."

Parents, always the killjoys, whined that the condoms' wrappers send the "wrong message" to their children. For now, school administrators agree. They have stopped handing out condoms to all comers, no questions asked, until the matter can be "studied."

Other messages that the condoms conveyed were also found "unacceptable" by parents, such as "bite me" and "big cannon." "I'm a mother," a mother complained, "who has had both sex and children, and I find these messages disturbing."

Maybe, her teenage son, said, she would have found the messages less "disturbing" if she'd been able to use a condom to have sex without having the baby.

"True," his mother rejoined. "Then you wouldn't be here."

A few parents did nor find the condoms' messages offensive. Max Headroom said, "I'm sending Junior to school to get an education, and these condoms' messages certainly enlighten the boy about the facts of life."

S. T. Davis agreed. "When I was a youngster, we had to pick up all that stuff on the street; now, the kids can learn all about the birds and the bees by picking up a condom, for free, at school."

The state's Department of Public Health (DPH), which provided the "courtesy condoms," blames the school's principals for not inspecting the condoms before distributing them to students. The principals, in turn, contend that the DPH shouldn't be printing such sentiments on the condoms' wrappers to begin with.

While the issue is under "study," condoms in generic wrappers will continue to be supplied on demand to any student who feels the "urge" to ask for one.

"Condoms are important to sex education," an educator said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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