Written by Gee Pee
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Sunday, 9 March 2014

DETROIT, MI - Her lawn was mowed. Her bills were paid. Her mail was collected every day.

But the lady of the house never went out or answered her door.

She couldn't: she was dead.

In fact, she was mummified.

Her remains were found, neatly bundled in bandage-like strips of white muslin cloth, in the backseat of her Jeep, inside her garage, which was where she always parked it, in the days before she seemingly vanished.

When her bank foreclosed on her home and the bank hired a worker to mend a hole in the house's roof, her remains were discovered. The corpse showed no signs of trauma, although its internal organs had decayed. The coroner is unable to identify a cause of death, and the corpse was arrested for trespassing on the bank's property before being released to a local funeral home for "processing."

Worse yet, the cadaver may not be dead at all.

According to mortician's assistant Ima Trocar, who asked to remain anonymous, "When I went to embalm her, she sat up on the table; her eyes snapped open, and she glared at me."

Trocar said, "I ran for my life."

Although authorities believe that the corpse "sat up" due to the effects of rigor mortis, Trocar disagrees. "It's clear enough that she's a zombie."

Strangely, the body has "disappeared" from the funeral home, and police have issued an all-points bulletin, offering a reward for information that results in the cadaver's capture. "She's wanted dead or alive," police said.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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