Washington, DC - The US Coast Guard Service has been issued with high tech titanium grappling hooks for boarding recalcitrant Russians' super yachts in a fiendish Obama plot to freeze the nuts off Putin's billionaire henchmen.
Dozens of oligarchs like Roman Abramovich who regularly flaunt their megabux sea-going yachts in United States waters now face immediate seizure of their marine gas-guzzlers.
The vessels are to be impounded under a presidential executive order against Russian interests following Vladimir Putin's criminal land grab of the Ukrainian Crimea.
Up to ten billion dollarsworth of marine super yachts are believed to be on the hotlist including Abramovich's latest purchase Dun Frackin, a 150-metre monster last seen off the Caribbean Island of St Barts where the oligarch has a secret base processing raw coca.
Other large sea-going vessels belonging to the Russian mobster include Eclipse, Luna and Tight Anne - uh, Titan! - whose combined net value exceeds $1bn.
Also targeted with sanctions are Russian oligarchs' American homes, private aircraft, bank and bullion deposits - all the usual mobster-related stuff.
Commenting on today's announcement a source in the Kremlin hinted heavily at counter-reprisals:
"Mr Obama should tread very carefully," spokesperson Dim Eatery Pissov said, "or we'll confiscate his entire KGB pension."
Vice President Joe Biden is 69.