ROUND ASS VILLAGE, FL - "If you dare to bare," Mayor Ima Blueblood warns would-be exhibitionists, "beware: in Round Ass, we don't want to see your derriere."
In fact, being too cheeky in Ima's town could result in a month's sentence to jail for a first offense and "dismemberment" for subsequent violations.
A recently passed ordinance insists that beachgoers, whether locals or tourists, cover up their "naughty bits," and that includes their "fannies," City Code 1018 states.
More than 1,200 "God-fearing folks" petitioned the Village idiots in charge of Round Ass to ban thong bikinis, the mayor says, and she and the other powers-that-be, such as they are, responded by banning the baring of backsides "except in strip clubs, where it's still anything goes, and on cable TV, which we can't control."
In addition, the ordnance bans displays of the natal cleft, the perineum, and the pubic symphysis. "If in doubt," Village attorney David Morrison recommends, thumping a dictionary, "look it up."
It's not only "small towns like Round Ass" that have outlawed the swimwear, Blueblood insists. Palm Springs, CA, passed a similar law under the leadership of Mayor Sonny Bono, who didn't "ever want to see," he said, his son Chaz wearing such attire. Even when Chaz was Chastity, he said at the time the law was passed, he didn't want to see "that." His former wife, Cher, the mother of both Chastity and Chaz, agreed. "That's not anything anyone wants to see, except maybe Chaz himself."
Women are also prohibited from displaying their aureolas, although men are free to do so.
"It's outrageous," Chaz spluttered, upon learning of this double standard, "and it's sexist! Why shouldn't I have been allowed to show the same areola when I was Chastity that I can show now that I'm Chaz? It's crazy!"
So far, sun-worshipers have remained covered. Under sunny skies, plenty of men, women, and children sport swimsuits of almost all descriptions, but one: there's nary a thong in sight, no matter how long or how hard police look.
Anyone who might look to the American Civil Liberties Union for help in challenging the law is apt to be disappointed, the UCLA warned: "The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld numerous laws against public nudity."