Washington - A senior KGB official in the Kremlin's Department for Michelle Obama Affairs has been outed as a turncoat after accepting a huge US bribe to identify sleepers who've slipped one past US Homeland Insecurity checks.
This weekend under cover of Oscars Night mayhem a huge Secret Service damage limitation exercise is taking place amid wildcat reports that 'it's Barack Obama'.
The President is thought to have been caught prematurely in a CIA sting to out a traitor responsible for keeping a double agents NOC list.
This contains the names and IDs of KGB turncoats programmed to activate in the event of Russian troubles in the Black Sea and take charge of pro-Putin PR in the USA.
"Mostly it's a load of Scientology assholes in the movie industry," jailed CIA agent Aldrich Ames' cell mate surmised, "plus stack loads of duffers in the Piss Corps."
Last year outgoing FBI director Robert Mueller warned about the rumored existence of the NOC list which, if it fell into the wrong hands, could spawn a whole new generation of dreadful Tom Cruise films.
Joe Biden's golf buggy chauffeur is 104.