New York, NY (STT News) - News is breaking that today's disturbance at LaGuardia International Airport was based on the shocking discovery that Elvis Presley really wasn't dead after all.
At approximately 10:45 am, the entire airport was suddenly shutdown as 2500 members of the 879th Heavy Civilian Assault Infantry Brigade secured all zones and forced both visitors and fliers to lie on the ground, face-up with their arms and legs twittering in the air. TSA personnel then came through and probed each person, one by one, until they either squealed with delight, shouted in pain or suffered cardiac arrest.
Unfortunately, Mr. Presley, who was arriving on a flight from Memphis, Tennessee, did not survive the process in a living state and is now officially deceased.
The King of Rock's former gravesite will be now be re-excavated in preparation of an official reburial.
As of right now, this Sunday morning is the date being targeted for services but much depends on the US Department of Homeland Security releasing his dentures, pelvis, sweat rag and toenails... which are all currently being detained at an undisclosed location.