PITTSBURGH - A group of history enthusiasts have informed the press that they have discovered a long lost Mohawk totem pole 14 miles west of Pittsburg.
The 17-foot tall totem pole was in excellent condition since experts explained that the Mohawk Indians used to coat their totem poles with a type of salve guard made from the anal regions of Mallard ducks.
The totem pole was found to have contained the faces of three Mohawk princesses; Quintina, the princess of the Spring; Altamina, the princess of the Summer; and Coralette, the Princess of Autumn.
There was a fourth female figure on the pole that did not look at all like a Mohawk princess.
Bryant Pickenweed, a totem pole expert from Hackensack, New Jersey was contacted and he pointed out the fourth female face was of a Yiddish woman.
SIDENOTE: After going into the Internet and conducting an extensive search, Pickenweed came to the conclusion that the fourth female face was that of comedian Joan Rivers, alias The Queen of Mean.