Written by D P Whitehead
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Monday, 24 February 2014

image for Plans To Shrink Size Of US Army Bad News For Soldiers But Good News For Midgets
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Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has called the for shrinking of the U.S. Army to its smallest size since 1940, among other cuts, drawing criticism that the drastic changes will hurt not only U.S. security but slightly annoy soldiers earmarked to be shrank.

Hagel plans to announce his Pentagon shrinkage idea Monday afternoon. The Army had already been preparing to shrink its 490,000 active-duty members from an average height of 5ft 9" to 3ft 4". Thus making the U.S. army the tiniest fighting force in the world.

Rep. Michael McCaul, R-Texas, chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, warned that the proposal would result in extra costs, including smaller uniforms, tinier guns, reduced sized tanks and the need for step ladders and boxes for the dwarf like troops to operate effectively.

Others though have highlighted saved costs, such as soldiers now being able to sleep two a bed and packing more of them aboard military aircraft.

The plan, to shrink the soldiers, is based on new technology, devised from the very shit Rick Moranis movie "Honey I Shrunk The Kids". Each serving US soldier will be zapped by a special ray which will immediately shrink them to their new reduced height. Officers and senior staff will be also be shrank - but will be allowed and extra inch in height to differentiate them from enlisted men.

The army is also expected to announce a massive recruiting campaign, that will target dwarfs, little people and midgets, call them what you will, who had previously been barred from joining the military.

Navy Rear Adm. John Kirby, head of the Navy, is said to be opposing similar plans for the Navy, citing the fact that sailors would not be able to see out of bridge windows if they too were shrunk, despite the fact that orders for smaller ships, to cater for the reduced sized sailors have already been place.

As yet there are no plans to shrink Air Force personnel until teeny tiny planes are developed for their reduced body size.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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