Seattle, WA. A family run hotel in Ellensberg, Washington has been forced to shut down after a series of baffling incidents involving guests and ghosts believed to be characters and plot lines from gargantuan mid-1990s conspiracy novel 'Infinite Jest' by David Foster Wallace.
John Hasselhoff proprietor, "Guests would take 3 hours to read the dinner menu and when we asked them what took them so long they said it was all the footnotes and obscure references to absurd avant-garde cinema and tennis. We knew something was wrong when someone told us there were really weird ultra-competitive tennis pro types moving about the corridors at night with video cameras and semi automatics. One guest got so obsessed with this strange licking sound that they followed it down to the basement and found these guys licking sweat off a yoga teacher. One guy checked out because he found our hotel offensive to Canadians. Another was chased down a corridor by a people in wheelchairs with French accents and machine guns demanding he hand over a videotape. There was a lady with some sort of lampshade on her head the whole time. Its not the type of experience we want for our guests this is a family business."
To date, Infinite Jest has been read by 8 people nationwide including Dave Eggers, none of whom understood it.
"Look its like this" says Hasselhoff "i'm as open minded as the next guy but I couldn't go on with guests waking up in Boston Narcotics Anonymous meetings. If I'd been able to impose some narrative coherence on all these events i could have incorporated it as part of the whole stay but eventually we had to close down because we got this reputation unique in the trade as being 'tedious, repetitive, pedantic and zero-fun'.