BETHESDA MD-The president underwent tests today after being hospitalized for complaining of severe headaches. Doctors first thought that he might be getting too much sleep, or feeling the fall out from the war, but tests revealed that the president had a severe form of Mississippiensis, or "Alligator Brain".
Alligator Brain is a disease in which a person has an overactive reptile brain and it begins to devour all the other parts of the brain. The reptile brain is the oldest part of the human brain and is responsible for the functioning of all of our organs including our survival, or "fight or flight" response.
Doctors said that this was the most severe case of Alligator Brain that they had ever seen after seeing X-rays that revealed the president's reptile brain had metastasized to the size of a grapefruit and had steam rolled most of his mammalian brain and devoured all of his cerebral cortex.
The mammalian part of the brain controls our emotions and our desire to connect with other people as the cerebral cortex, our newest evolutionary edition, is responsible for the brain's logical function. The brain's capacity for speech, writing and empathy are also functions of the cerebral cortex. Essentially, this is the part of the brain that separates us from animals.
Statistics show that 1 out of every 5 Americans has some form of Alligator Brain. And that these numbers are getting worse. Some studies reveal that Alligator Brain could overtake obesity, greed, campaign finance reform, over development and misuse of land and heart disease as America's number one problem.
"If we do not do something about this, we are going to have a huge problem on our hands," said union lobbyist, Mike McCorkle, for the Union of American Citizens (UAC).
Symptoms of persons with Alligator Brain may include, but are not limited to aggression, incompetence, single mindedness, inability to speak fluently and a severe loss of listening. Persons observed with Alligator Brain will seem cartoonish and leave very little for satirists to imagine.
If you see someone with any or all of these symptoms, please report them to your state's Fish and Wildlife Office. They are another breed. Do not try to capture them yourself. Also, feeding these people with logic and reasonable arguments is not recommended. And keep children and small pets away from these dangerous predators.
Research has shown that Alligator Brain can be treated with large doses of compassion. However, it is recommended that those giving the treatment be cautious and not expect too much from the therapy. Realize that you are essentially showing an alligator compassion. And that alligators don't respond well to compassion.
Alligator Brain can also be treated with stem cell therapy. However, the Republicans shot themselves in the foot once again by not allowing such research to continue. Also, the DNA in the stem cells must come from the right saint, or it will never work.
In other news today it was reported that Rush Limbaugh was not a part of the human race.