Written by Samuel Vargo
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Tuesday, 11 February 2014

image for Glenn Beck: "I was abducted by illegal aliens from outer space for 17 minutes"

Glenn Beck, conservative commentator and Tea Party golden boy, admitted that he was abducted by illegal aliens from outer space for 17 minutes while he was employed at FOX News.

"My Gosh, it felt like 17 hours. It was terrible," Beck said.

According to Beck, he was driving around New York City in a luxury sedan that he was test driving, then went through the Holland Tunnel and up the New Jersey Turnpike. He really liked the car, a brand-new Mercedes-Benz E-Class, and was intent on keeping it.

"I guess I should have turned around before I hit the Holland Tunnel and returned the car to the dealership. When you're a big-time political pundit, you take some liberties though," Beck said.

As he was driving though New Jersey in heavy traffic, Beck said he really enjoyed the luxurious feel of the car's interior and the power he felt behind the wheel. He said the car definitely had some kick and he alluded to the fact that he wished he was down in Texas somewhere with a bunch of hot-rodders who were drag racing on a long stretch of asphalt on the open prairie.

"I drove into Pennsylvania and swore I saw this hideous thing jump onto the interstate," Beck said. "It looked like some sort of lizard man, with scales, a long snout like an alligator, and scales and fins. It had wings like a bat and looked as if it had a white beard like Santa Claus, but it could've been some roadkill snack dangling from it's jaws, I don't really know.

"I heard about this creature. I'd finally run across the Jersey Devil somewhere near the New Jersey - Pennsylvania line. I didn't know what to think at the time, but you can bet your bottom dollar I wasn't going to play any games with this monster," Beck said.

The creature jumped high in the air as the Mercedes approached from a distance. Beck hit the gas pedal, revving the car up to 120 miles an hour. "I aimed that car at that Jersey Devil and I had every intention of running it over. Like George W. Bush always used to tell me back in the day, 'Don't negotiate with terrorists.'"

Beck hit the creature and it bounced off the silver stallion and was catapulted high into the air and off the side of the road. The pundit admitted it was really fun hitting this lizard man with its bat-like wings and he sort of wished, at the time, another Jersey Devil was up the interstate a ways so he could run it over, too.

"Anyhow, I slowed the car down to 85 miles an hour and was heading though Pennsylvania. There weren't a lot of cars on the road and by this time, it was getting into the wee hours of the morning. I experienced some heavy traffic on 276 around Philly but after I managed to merge onto Route 76, there weren't nearly as many cars on the highway. I was getting pretty far from New Jersey now and I was sort of displeased that there probably wouldn't be another Jersey Devil on the asphalt that I could run down and run over," he said.

The further he drove from Philadelphia, the sparser the traffic had become and Beck kept driving along, listening to the Sirius Radio station. He didn't like any of the channels on the radio and kept hitting the search button. "That damned radio didn't play one song that I liked for the whole four hours that I drove through New York City, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. I was hoping that by the time I reached Ohio, or at least, Indiana, that some little oldie but goodie that sparked a flame inside me would play," Beck said.

Disgruntled about the poor selection of songs on the Sirius Radio band and becoming a bit tired, Beck pulled off I-76 and swaggered into a service station for a big cup of coffee and possibly, a pastry or two. When he entered the store, it was flooded in an otherworldly florescent glow and Beck admitted he thought for a few seconds that he'd died and entered heaven.

He said he couldn't believe the types of creatures that were inside the gas station. They had big, red, flaming eyes; scaly, scabrous, gray skin; long antennas protruding from their skulls; and made sounds like whales and dolphins.

"Man, I thought, what the hell is going on in here!" he said.

Beck said he marked the whole ordeal down as being on the road for far too long. Mere hallucinations, that's all. . . .Yeppers, he thought his eyes and brain were playing tricks on him. He found the coffee machine, poured himself a 22-ounce cup, added some cream and sugar and sauntered up to the cash register.

Six of the creatures were behind the counter by then and Beck said he couldn't believe his eyes. He rushed over to the door and looked out the glass. What he saw was totally amazing - he saw the blue planet, now the size of a dime, and he was far, far away from Mother Earth.

"Those illegal aliens from outer space kidnapped me. That wasn't a service station I entered, it was a goshed darned UFO!" he shrieked.

The creatures put Beck on a long steel slab that looked like an operating table and used some sort of mechanism that resembled a big, obnoxious, terrible eyeball to scope him out. They kept talking amongst themselves in their whale and dolphin language and Beck said he couldn't move, even though he had every intention of running to the door again and jumping out.

"Anyhow, I woke up in the Mercedes and looked at my watch. Seventeen minutes had gone by. It seemed like 17 months that I was abducted and kidnapped and then examined inside that UFO.

"I turned that car around, drove back to New York City, wheeled into the dealership and told them there that I didn't want the car.

"It was defective, I said," Beck related.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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