SAINT DAVID, Maine - House Speaker John Boehner signed FOX News commentators Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly into the Moondog Center for the Criminally Insane Monday afternoon. This insane asylum sits right on the edge of Canada and its thick deciduous forests surrounding it has the reputation of being "Bigfootville."
"Megyn, Sean, I know you're both going to do your best to get out of this place. Just remember, if you escape, Bigfoot's behind every other tree. He's even taller than Bill O'Reilly, and believe me, Bigfoot's a lot meaner than O'Reilly, too," Boehner said as he was multitasking the job of pushing both FOX News talking heads into the heavily guarded sanitarium in their respective aluminum wheelchairs.
"Why me?! This isn't fair, John!" Hannity screamed as a goliath guard opened the three-inch-thick steel doors to admit both he and Kelly into Moondog.
"Life isn't fair, you moron! I'm signing you both in here because we're going to win the Presidential race in 2016 come hell or holy water. We're going to have a Republican President and nothing's standing in the way, especially two overpaid yappers and yippers like you and the aerobics instructor, here," Boehner yelled at them.
"And we don't need you two helping the Democrats - you're both making everyone who tunes into your stupid news programs hate us - me, my fellow Republicans, the American people, and even the Tea Party hate you. Even Dennis Miller and Greta have signed your 'certifiably insane' papers. Roger Ailes signed it, too, how do you like those apples? Yep, Ailes wants you put away. I have the papers right here in my sports coat," Boehner explained.
Boehner tapped the left side of his chest and gave Kelly and Hannity a malicious grin. Both talking heads began crying like toddlers upon seeing this hideous rictus.
"What's that have to do with anything?" Hannity's attractive blonde fellow pundit asked.
"This is a zero-sum game and with you two harebrained idiots spitting out all your ridiculous commentaries on FOX News every weekday night, we'll never win. Nobody likes you, even people that believe everything that's uttered on FOX News comes right out of The Bible. You two are about as likeable of characters as the villain in a James Patterson novel. You can both kiss the free world goodbye for at least eight years," Boehner said as he wheeled the two up to the admissions desk.
"Eight years! Are you crazy! I'll be old and gray by then and I won't be able to get a job at a FOX News outlet in North or South Dakota!" Kelly complained.
"Why us, Mr. Speaker? Why not O'Reilly?! O'Reilly, now that's a man who truly is criminally insane," Hannity added.
"Sean, did you ever see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest? That part when Jack Nicholson's character takes over that insane asylum? Well give O'Reilly two weeks in Moondog and he'll be running this place. He'll be the big cheese and he'll be giving the doctors orders. Now I know what you're thinking, that O'Reilly really is criminally insane, and I must admit, he is, but a lot of people really like him. And we need the Irish vote," Boehner said.
"But I'm Irish too," said Kelly.
"So am I," said Hannity.
"You two don't count," Boehner said. "We just want the both of you out of the picture. Even the Irish don't like you, and they like everyone who's Irish."
A team of doctors approached the group of three and began looking over Hannity and Kelly. A nurse took Kelly's blood pressure and another used some kind of meter that looked like a fat pencil to check Hannity's eyes.
"Mr. Speaker, these two definitely are not criminally insane," Dr. Feenskunk complained to Boehner. "I can tell just by looking at them."
Feenskunk cut an imposing figure. He had a bushy black mustache, jet black hair and blue eyes. He towered over Boehner, all six-foot-nine, 450-plus pounds of him. Feenskunk played right tackle at the University of Maine before he went to medical school and later became a nuthouse doctor at the age of 59.
"Yes they are, they're very insane. As criminally insane as they come," Boehner said. "And they're certifiably so, and I have the papers to prove it," Boehner said, and took two envelopes out of his sports jacket and handed them both to Dr. Feenskunk.
Feenskunk adjusted his trifocals and after opening the envelopes with his sharp pointy teeth, looked them over. He "oohed" and "aahed" several times as he read the papers. He shook his head, snorted, then sighed.
"Yes, this has been signed by some people in very high places. Even Mr. X has signed these documents. Well, Mr. Speaker, today's your lucky day. We have two beds available right now. And Mr. Hannity and Ms. Kelly, well they're in Moondog as permanent residents," Feenskunk said.
"Don't release either of them for at least eight years. The Republican Party doesn't want either of these nitwits in front of a camera until at least this amount of time has passed. Do you hear me, Feenskunk?" Boehner screamed.
"Yes, I read you loud and clear, Mr. Speaker. Mr. Speaker, it looks like you're in intense pain. I mean your face - it's tan and looks healthy enough, but you have such a contorted look. Do you need some pain medication? Are you suffering? Do you need a laxative? Are you constipated? We can certainly help you, too, at Moondog. This is not only a prison, but it's a hospital and we have some really nifty drugs here. I'd like to send you on your way with some feel-good pills," Dr. Feenskunk said.
"Nope. This is how I always look. This is how the Speaker of the House should look and I do not want any psychiatrist to mess with this look. Just keep these two yoyos in Moondog for a period of at least eight years. We want a two-termer in the Oval Office and no knuckleheaded talking head's going to ruin it for us, understand? Hillary's not getting anywhere near 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. And when we take over, we're putting a restraining order on Billy Boy. It's paramount that these two nitwits don't help her get elected," Boehner said.
"Gotcha, Mr. Speaker. Hey, did you ever think of starring in one of those movies about tough-guy cowboys or tough-guy Indians?" Feenskunk said.
"Please John, please don't allow them to lock me up in here," Kelly pleaded, looking at Boehner with tears in her eyes.
"Boehner, you can't do this to me! I'll sue you!" Hannity yelled.
"Shut up!" Boehner ordered, looking down at Kelly and Hannity, who were still seated in their wheelchairs. "And to answer your question, Feenskunk, every day I work on the Hill it's like a tough-guy cowboy and a tough-guy Indian movie. I'm about ready to sign myself into this nut house. I need some respite myself. And some feel-good pills, a few glasses of vino fino and the latest book by James Patterson would be ever so lovely, but I've got a job to do. So goodbye, Feenskunk!"
And with that said, John Boehner left Sean Hannity, Megyn Kelly, and Eegor Feenskunk, M.D., at the admissions desk of the Moondog Center for the Criminally Insane and walked out the ominous steel doors. The Republican Congressman from Ohio then walked back to Washington, D.C., through the woods (no less), and on foot, like any real he-man would do. And as he trudged along, the guys who were shoveling snow in front of the prison/hospital could hear him cry, "Bigfoot, where are you! Come get me you overstuffed, overrated, fair-haired spider monkey! I'm John Boehner and I want to kick your ass all the way to Vermont! Quit hiding behind that tree and come try me, you varicose varmint!!!"