Written by Adam Click
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Sunday, 9 February 2014

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G.I. Joe is so old he used to come in just two colors-black and white.

He fought in the battle of the davenport, captured a whole platoon while scaling the ottoman foot stool and fought the battle of the bulge on twelve-year-old Timmy's bed, but there is one battle venerable action figure G.I. Joe seems destined to lose: the battle over whether or not the iconic toy qualifies for a veteran's pension.

Turning fifty this year, the toy soldier thought his future was secure. Then came the letter from Uncle Sam. "They told me I wasn't qualified." a disappointed Joe said. "Not qualified? Damn it! I spent six long hours crawling up that frickin' foot stool and this is what I get?"

Ken Carson,spokesperson for the bureau of veterans affairs toy soldier division explained: "While we understand Mr. Joe's predicament, our rules are quite clear. Plastic soldiers simply do not qualify for pensions no matter how honorably they served."

For now, Mr. Joe, brittle and inflexible, whose last rank was master sergeant,is biding his time doing odd jobs but his bitterness at being denied something he feels he earned has left a bad taste in his mouth.
"I haven't felt this bad since that bitch, Barbie, left me for another man."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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