Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Thursday, 2 November 2006

image for Kerry Says He is a "Secret Republican" Helping "Fellow Bonesman" Bush
Fellow Republicans

WASHINGTON (AP)-- Democratic Senator John Kerry revealed on Wednesday that he is in fact a "secret Republican" who has been helping further President George Bush for years.

In an interview with conservative talk-radio personality Rush Limbaugh, Kerry explained, "Yup, it's true. I'm really a secret Republican. Why else would I make a joke about the stupidity of US troops in Iraq? George Bush actually invented the joke and said that I could really help the Republicans and a fellow Bonesman in next week's mid-term elections in Congress by repeating it publicly."

Kerry and Bush are both "Bonesmen" - members of the secret "Skull & Bones" fraternity at Yale University known for its grotesque, pagan rituals and for helping fraternal members out.

Opinion polls show that the American public are totally disgusted with the Iraq war, which they see as based on lies and solely to seize Iraqi oil for George Bush's buddies in Big Oil.

Kerry went on to tell Limbaugh that he had told the joke to try to sabotage Democrat efforts to gain the 15 seats they need to win control of the House, as well as the six seats to win the Senate in the elections.

Later in the interview Kerry announced "I intentionally threw the 2004 election to help Bush". Kerry had voted in favor of $87 billion for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, before he finally voted against it.

Kerry also revealed "Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is another of the many secret Republicans helping Bush".

Two days ago, Kerry told a group of California students that people who don't study hard and do their homework would likely "get stuck in Iraq." His aides then said the senator had mistakenly dropped one word from his prepared remarks, which was originally written to say "you end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq." Thus Kerry was clearly referring to Bush, not to the troops.

Kerry then apologized to "any service member, family member or American" offended by his remarks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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