While American viewers tuned in to watch President Obama deliver the annual State of the Union message, many others were turning a deaf ear until given the opportunity to gorge themselves on the feast of "official responses" by the disloyal and deranged opposition.
Leading off the lineup was designated batter for the Republican Party, Rep. Cathy McMorris Rodgers. "Hand jobbed" by Republicans to demonstrate their pride and confidence in a multiplicity of duties performed by females for party officials (or partying officials as the case may be), Rep. McMorris Rogers while calmly seated on a couch, reassured women that Republicans were vigilantly scrutinizing the libidos of constituents and would be working tirelessly to mount a frenzied defense to keep Government off their backsides. Rep. Rogers delivery was accompanied by Father Guido Sarducci, who communicated the speech in Italian hand gestures of dubious interpretation.
Next up at the plate was Sen. Mike Lee, the Tea Party Express and John Birch Society luddite chosen for his eloquent defense of the flat earth policy of his faction of the Republican Party. Media addict Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Andromeda), incensed at being denied equal access to free primetime television exposure, recorded his response on YouTube and ran (30) spots of highlights during commercial breaks in a "Duck Dynasty" rerun.
Titled "The Imperial Presidency of Barry Hussein Obama," Senator Cruz's missile was clearly targeted at an audience of abject imbeciles, illiterate buffoons incapable of reading anything more substantive than a racing form or TV Guide and the recently officially declared brain dead.
Cruz cited President Obama's use of (neglecting to mention duly authorized) Executive Privilege to enact measures that Congress had not the time, will or fortitude to consider. Sen. Cruz also did not find relevant the Obama Administration's use of Executive Privilege was significantly less than the last three Republican administrations.
The overnight ARBITRON Viewer Ratings indicated that excluding Sen. Cruz's staff and family, there were two other viewers - plus or minus one due to sampling error. It has been suggested that the other possible viewers were President Obama and the First Lady, because they were preoccupied and missed Jon Stewart's program Tuesday and their DVR was on the fritz.
A few members of the White House Press Corps reported hearing uncontrollable laughter and the distinct aroma of cannabis emanating from the Oval Office during Sen. Cruz's televised ranting. This has not been confirmed by this reporter.
Limelight loving Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY [think about that for a second]), speaking on behalf of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, forcefully spewed his bile at Lafayette Park, across the street from the White House. Proclaiming an Obama whitewash of the sinking of the Maine and a complete failure to render aid to combatants at the Alamo, Sen. Paul also demanded release of the Scottsboro Boys and all communications by White House staff relating to each of those events or he would insist upon the immediate appointment of a Taupe Ribbon Commission to hold hearings and investigate "Alamogate."
A rousing round of applause was heard from the assembly of winos, junkies, derelicts, zombies, Kardashians and Romulans huddled together around an oil drum burning photocopies of Barack Obama's birth certificate for heat.
Other notable but unofficial replies to the State of the Union message came from the following:
1) On ESPN; Mike Tyson's "Rebuttal-Nonbuttal and Other Ear Recipes"
2) Florida Public Access TV; Theodore Bundy, "Obama Opposes Right to Life"
3) FART (Free ARkansas Television); Mike Huckabee. "Stay Out of Our Bedroom, Mr. President, Unless You're Here To Make The Bed"
4) Barry Bonds, "Just Say No Obama"... awaiting distribution
The previous report cited Senator Rand Paul as representing the fine people (all three of them)
of Tennessee. In his haste, the clumsy reporter egregiously and obviously erred...how could he
screw that up. Sen. Paul represents the State of KY! We regret the reporter's stupid mistake;
I mean, really. When senators come together, someone's getting fucked, so shouldn't they all
represent some State of KY?