Written by aliciabingham
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Thursday, 30 January 2014

LEXINGTON, KY - Public school students everywhere may be getting a surprise soon. For many years, students have told their math teachers that math is useless, and will never be used in the real world.

In 2014, teachers have decided they've heard enough.

Standardized testing in the United States means that most government funding for education has been shuttled toward subjects like math, science, English, and technology. The typical high school student believes these subjects are boring and useless, and would rather see the funding go towards the arts.

When asked what class they would fund if they could fund anything, most students agreed they would rather dedicate more money to their foreign films class, as it provides the best background noise for sleeping.

Math teacher Fred Wortham agrees with students that ultimately, math is useless. Teachers are prepared to roll out a new curriculum that allows students to play with blocks to learn basic counting concepts, and will show movies every day after students understand this basic principle.

"There's no reason for kids to learn the more difficult concepts," said Jared Buchanan, math teacher. "It just causes them unnecessary stress. Research shows that our kids don't take math in college, and none of them continue on to have math-centered professions. Math just uses up precious time that could be dedicated to the arts."

Local high schools have also decided to lengthen the amount of time students spend in foreign films classes, lunch, and art. Student advocacy groups agree that the best ways for students to become healthy, productive adults are to allow them to sleep all day and choose to do nothing at school. Teachers everywhere believe that eliminating harder math curriculums is the first step on a highway to happier, healthier teens and adults.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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