The United States government today announced it would institute a draft lottery to ensure an adequate supply of victims for the now daily mass shootings taking place across the country.
The government, at the behest of an assortment of armed lunatics and the National Rifle Association, has taken this measure in response to fearful citizens remaining in their homes rather than risking their lives out in the open.
The NRA insists a climate of mass terror needs to be maintained in order to continue providing the false sense of security that gun owning provides to gun owners as well as a stimulus to gun sales to frightened citizens, who will then, in a supreme irony, find that having a gun in their home will increase their chances of being shot.
Mass shootings, while random, have become so common that they threaten to empty out the crowded public spaces that demented gun owners, mentally unstable rifle toters, and crazed NRA members depend on to sow terror and death among the innocent.
Under the new lottery system, every American citizen regardless of age, sex, race, sexual orientation, or occupation can be potentially chosen as part of a daily drawing of a random number of citizens, numbering at least three, but often many more, every single day of the week. The citizens will all be drawn from the same small geographic area within a twenty mile radius that itself is chosen daily by lottery. Federal agents will then pick up the draftees who will be taken to a mall, high school, movie theater, middle school, park, street corner, elementary school, factory, college, office building, amusement park, army base, navy base, gas station, hospital, library, convenience store, restaurant, arcade, casino, boardwalk, swimming pool, skating rink, beach, national monument, hotel, or virtually any space that attracts innocent people performing the rituals of daily life that attract the crazed killers into whose hands the NRA has placed weapons of mass destruction that most modern armies don't have access to. The draftees will then be asked to go about their routine until such time as said gun nut opens fire on the crowd. Surviving draftees will be encourage to attempt to escape and place panicked calls to the special dedicated 911 For Shootings Only line set up by the government.
Opposition to the measure was heard from both sides of the political divide. Democratic politicians called the draft "savage" and "unbelievably barbaric."
Republicans decried the large increase in governmental personnel and spending that would be required to implement it. But when asked if perhaps stronger, common-sense gun control measures would be a more effective way of dealing with the problem of mass shooting the craven pygmies that infest both sides of the aisle in Washington merely shrugged and simpered in unison, "Well, I guess we should at least give the lottery a try before we condemn it."