Written by Keith Shirey
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Saturday, 25 January 2014

image for Justin Bieber Falsely Accused Of Drag Racing
OK BIEBER, PULL OVER

Miami Beach cops claim Justin Bieber was drag racing and drunk, which caused his arrest. But Sgt. Joe "Pinocchio Nose" Soprano and his partner Elsie "Balls" Saunders of the beach police have confessed to looking for a reason to stop the controversial entertainer when confronted by media. They now admit that Bieber was driving at the speed limit and was sober.

"I've got this really huge crush on the Beaver," Officer Saunders confessed when confronted by TV reporters. "I made The Nose turn on the red lights and siren."

2 reporters from the Miami Herald Tribune noticed that the police had said in their report that they noticed the "drag race" on the 2600 block of Pine Tree Drive.

" The report says the cops were traveling in the opposite direction so they made a U turn and pursued the cars for 15 blocks. The report further stated that Bieber and the other car reached speeds of up to 60 mph," said Robert "Scoop" Gustafson of the Tribune.

"So how could a 15-block drag race in those cars reach speeds of ONLY 60 MPH?" questioned Evans.

"Mind you ... Justin was driving one of the fastest race cars around -- a Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 Spyder. And his pal, Khalid, was driving a Ferrari 16M. If Justin were drunk, he probably would want to win. Hell he'd be going 180 mph in 15 blocks!"

The other Miami Tribune reporter, Lois Lane, noticed that ... Justin's blood alcohol level was .014 -- a barely measurable amount. Yet the 2 police claimed that Justin reeked of alcohol both at the scene and at the police department.

"The cops just make up excuses for the arrest, " said Ms Lane

It turns out that this isn't the first time that Officer Saunders and her partner filled out a false arrest report.

Back in 2006, Colin Farrell - who was in town shooting an episode of "Miami Vice" - was spotted by Saunders and her then partner Sally "Butch" Carbuncle. They pulled him over and arrested him for drunk driving. Farrell was put in the police station drunk tank but, like Justin Bieber, it turned out that his blood alcohol level was low.

Looking into the TV cameras Officer Saunders apologized for both the Colin Farrell and Justin Bieber incidents.

"I'm just a sucker for good looking men and boys. I have to be near them and touch them. I get to do that when I put on the cuffs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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