Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Wednesday, 22 January 2014

image for Ohio to Try New Method of Execution: Strangulation

LUCASVILLE, OH-After trying a new drug combo to execute convicted killer Dennis McGuire, who choked and snorted in paroxysms of pain for twenty-five minutes before finally dying, the state of Ohio has announced a new method of killing people on death row that's never been tried: strangulation.

However, the new method of execution isn't without controversy, as some have compared the method to the long discontinued practice of hanging criminals.

"No," explained Ohio's Executioner-in-Chief Dewey Morder, "it's not the same thing as hanging. For one, you don't put a noose around the convict's neck. We'll just let another convict strangle the death row inmate. And two, you don't have to waste tax payers' money building a gallows every time there's an end-of-life event. Additionally, with strangulation, we are using the human capital we already have at hand to put to death--er, end the life of-- the death row inmate."

"But," asked a reporter from The Cincinnati Enquirer "isn't strangling an inmate to death unconstitutional? Isn't it, by any interpretation of the Eighth Amendment, cruel and unusual punishment?"

"Assuming by 'cruel' you mean inhumane or 'not' human, no," explained Morder. "Humans have been strangling each other to death since the dawn of time. I can't think of a method of execution more human than that!"

"And it's quick, too," added Morder."We figure an experienced inmate here at Lucasville can strangle another inmate in three minutes or less, causing much less suffering than what Mr. McGuire had to endure last week."

When another reporter from Cleveland's The Plain Dealer asked who might carry out these executions in the future, Morder said: "Southern Ohio Correctional Facility, where many of our end-of-life events are carried out, is a maximum security prison. We house here some of the most violent, dangerous criminals in the state of Ohio. I'm confident we'll have no shortage of volunteers here willing to serve the state of Ohio."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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