ORLANDO, FL - Having grown up as the middle child in a family of six boys, 16-year-old Sammy Beezer has seen his fair share of penises in his day.
"We took a lot of showers together to save on hot water. My life's been a regular sausage fest, so by the time I entered PE, I felt like I was old hat at this being around naked strangers thing," he said while nonchalantly soaping his inner thigh. "If anything, the experience has given me an appreciation for the male form. In a strictly aesthetic sense, I consider myself an admirer of strong penises."
And admire he does. Much to the chagrin of his classmates, who have begun to complain that he is a little too admiring, with several students flat-out refusing to take showers when he is present.
"It's just hard to feel comfortable when you have this kid on his knees, literally two feet away from your junk inspecting it like it was chiseled by some damned DaVinci," said one anonymous source. "I don't mean to sound like a bigot, but that's just gay."
But as hot water cascades down his befuzzled young scrotum, Beezer tackles his accusers with grace, employing the time tested strategy of announcing "no homo" every time he is caught ogling his peers' privates.
"It's ridiculous that I even have to say it," he vents while pulling a hand towel through his crack. "That we live in a society that constantly slaps labels onto men who enjoy getting as close as humanly possible to their friends' penises in a totally nonsexual and platonic way just seems so archaic. It should be seen as a bonding opportunity. If women can make each other feel better by commenting on their breasts, then men shouldn't feel discouraged to do the same when they're within breathing distance of their buddy's member."