Written by Sheepface
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Topics: cereal, bachelor

Saturday, 18 January 2014

image for Local Bachelor Prefers Drinking Milk of Froot Loops Over Milk of Coco Puffs
"I'll be damned."

VALDOSTA, GA - Early this morning, local bachelor Logan Green made a startling discovery as he slurped the last drops of milk from his morning bowl of Froot Loops. "I think I like this milk more than I like the Coco Puffs milk," he said, before taking one last sip just to be sure, allowing it to rest on his tongue for a few seconds before announcing "yep - we have a winner."

Green, 27, has been a resident of Valdosta his entire life, and has lived in the same one-bedroom apartment since moving out of his parents' house a little over a year-and-a-half ago. While he is still not sure what he will be studying when he eventually goes to community college in maybe a year, or even why it's necessary to have a green side of the sponge that "doesn't do dick for cleaning up spills," one fact has always remained constant in his world:

Logan Green loves his chocolate.

"I've just always been a chocolate man. Every morning for years - since I was a kid - I remember liking the Coco Puffs milk better. But I guess when you get older, things just have a habit of changing... of getting more mature."

After a momentary pause of zen-like enlightenment, he elaborated, saying "No, really - I'm detecting notes of pineapple. It's like all of a sudden I woke up with the palette of Mario Batali." Green then retreated to the bathroom with a TV tray and his laptop.

While he could not be reached for further comment, an investigation revealed three counts of the word "connoisseur" spelled incorrectly on his OkCupid profile, where he talked himself up as being an "adventurous eater."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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