Written by Kevin Nelson
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Friday, 17 January 2014

image for Chris Christie Wages War on Anorexia
I have finally broken the shackles of my low cal addiction

Some say that embattled New Jersey Governor has bitten off more than he can chew with his growing bridge scandal while some of his closest allies in Trenton have rallied around him and decided that he should go on the offensive by waging a war that he is uniquely qualified to win. Governor Chris Christie is waging war on an increasing menace in his state, anorexia. The Governor claims that he has fought hard to overcome his anorexia and that he is the new poster child and champion for overcoming this dreaded affliction.

The Governor has had a surprising amount of support from the fast food industry. Corporations like McDonald's, Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Jack In the Box, White Castle, Pizza Hut, Papa John's and Dunkin Donuts have all lined up behind Governor Christie to champion this growing menace. The Governor has also penned a memoir entitled, Confessions of a Salad Fiend: How I Overcame Anorexia. The Governor plans donate the proceeds to charitable trusts that his corporate benefactors are setting up. Among the proposed bills in the New Jersey Legislature is a bill to re-define the term overweight and classify all persons under 250 lbs as underweight.

The Governor states in his memoir, Confessions of a Salad Fiend: How I overcame Anorexia:

"I was wasting away at a mere 250 lbs gorging myself on roasted chicken and salads day-to-day in a miserable attempt to stay thin and sexy. I'd eat apples and all kinds of fruits and steamed vegetables. I knew what I was doing was unnatural and I no cravings for cheese burgers, pizza, donuts or bacon. People stared and mocked me when I ate an orange for lunch and they would gasp in horror at the sight of me eating celery and carrot sticks. I had to seek help, I found a controversial clinic that specialized in cheese burger and bucket chicken therapy. I struggled daily and I eventually overcame my affliction, now by the grace of God, I don't just stop at one large pizza with extra cheese and all the toppings, I'll throw in a meatball sandwich and wash it down with a two liter bottle coke. I have finally broken the shackles of my low cal addiction."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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