A GRUNGY ALLEY IN NEW JERSEY - Gov. Chris Christie has been denying rumors that he's formed a militia group intent on blowing up the George Washington Bridge, which connects New Jersey with New York City.
"I've fired forty members of my militia group for spreading bad, nasty, horrible rumors about me. And they were fired for the role they played in planning to blow up the GWB, which I knew absolutely nothing about.
"People say I'm a tyrant and a bully. I'm the nicest guy I know. I wouldn't hurt a lemon shark if it was trying to attack me. Sharks would be a lot nicer if they didn't have such sharp teeth, you know," Christie says.
The militia group, informally and unofficially called Christie's Crusaders, are equipped not only with automatic weapons, but with drones and nuclear armaments, several of the disgruntled members who Christie fired from his army said Tuesday.
"He's an ogre. He missed his calling. He should have been a sumo wrestler, not a politician," says the Holy Reverend Teebone Tyolect, who admits he was never in the military service but when he reached middle-age he had a strong calling to join a group that blew up things.
"I should have listened to my conscience and not joined the priesthood. I'm an old man now but when I was a young man, I had a real radical side. I really dreamed of being in the Black Panthers. I should have gone that route. Do you know how lonely it is for a black man to be a Catholic priest? You talk about being a black sheep in a sea of white sheep. Hell's bells!" Father Teebone ejaculates.
Father Teebone admits that when he joined Christie's Crusaders, it was deja vu. "Sure, there were two or three other black guys, even a few Hispanics, in the group but it was mostly an outfit manned by overweight, beer-drinking, middle-aged white men who'd never been in the army but who had a strong urge to blow things up and shoot rapid-fire machine guns," he admits.
Tyolect, a defrocked Jesuit priest who always secretly fantasized annihilating the Sistine Chapel, was forced to leave the priesthood after it was found that he had an Uzi, an M-16, an AK-47, three fully automatic pistols, a Light Anti-Tank Weapon, 500 pounds of nitrogen fertilizer, a grenade launcher, and a drone (which he made himself using an ACME/Kangaroo Corp. Drone kit) in his spartan 6-foot by 8-foot room at Saint Michael the Archangel Jesuit Monastery in Yonkers.
"He (Chris Christie) saw me panhandling in Jersey City one day and said to me, 'Father Tyolect, how would you like to blow up the George Washington Bridge? If you don't want to do it for God and country, at least consider doing it for Jesus. He still loves you. I'll pay you three grand a month and give you an unlimited expense account to buy all the explosives and armaments your little heart desires. That Second Amendment, Padre', it's all yours.'"
Gov. Christie, who even this prematurely has been a frontrunner for the GOP nod for 2016 Presidential race, was recently entrapped in a scandal in which it has been alleged that the GWB was closed on the New Jersey side because of what Christie believes to be a nemesis political rival in the borough of Fort Lee, N.J., and who knows, maybe even because Christie perceives political foes on the New York side, as well.
"I've never, ever formed a militia group. These men were hired for Homeland Security reasons. The Garden State needs its own army to protect itself from those Democrat, limp-wristed, liberal lunatics on the New York side. Not all of them are working at The New York Times, you know," Christie says.
This reporter met with Father Teebone in a grungy alley in New Jersey Tuesday afternoon. In the cold dampness, we both enjoyed a hot cup of coffee from a local soup kitchen, THE SOUP OPERA. Tyolect admits that times have been tough, but since he has a Ph.D. in Linguistics, there's a good chance he might be hired at the English Department of Hunter College, Princeton University, Columbia University or Rutgers University this fall.
"Linguistics are really, really boring. But at least they're legal. I don't know though, after rapid firing bullets out of my very own Uzi, I don't think teaching English courses will ever give me that big jolt of adrenalin like my fully-automatic machine guns do. But the Bishop confiscated all my guns and the Roman Catholic Church has them locked up somewhere in Rome. They say I'll never get them back. So Ivory Tower, here I come," Father Teebone laments.
When asked what the church did with the 500 pounds of nitrogen fertilizer that Father Teebone had stockpiled in his room, he says that it was used as a food source for the beautiful flower beds around St. Michael the Archangel's.
I showed Father Teebone an article that I had printed out that lambastes Gov. Christie and asked the good priest his impression of the portrait that was portrayed:
"Christie is the caricature of a Third World despot. He has a vicious temper, a propensity to bully and belittle those weaker than himself, an insatiable thirst for revenge against real or perceived enemies, and little respect for the law and, as recent events have made clear, for the truth. He is gripped by a bottomless hedonism that includes a demand for private jets, huge entourages, exclusive hotels and lavish meals. Wall Street and the security and surveillance apparatus want a real son of a bitch in power, someone with the moral compass of Al Capone, in order to ruthlessly silence and crush those of us who are working to overthrow the corporate state. They have had enough of what they perceive to be Barack Obama's softness. Christie fits the profile and he is drooling for the opportunity," according to Chris Hedges, a writer for Common Dreams, in a Jan. 13 online article: "The Trouble with Chris Christie" (see: http://www.commondreams.org/view/2014/01/13).
"Activists, Democratic and Republican rivals for power, liberals, reformers and environmentalists will, if Christie becomes president, see the vast forces of the security state surge into overdrive to stymie and reverse reform, gut our tepid financial and environmental regulations, further enrich the corporate elite who are pillaging the country, and savagely shut down all dissent. The corporate state's repression, now on the brink of totalitarianism, would with the help of Christie, his corporate backers and his tea party loyalists become a full-blown corporate fascism," Hedges writes.
After reading Hedges' article, the ousted Jesuit appeared saturnine, took a sad breath and lamented, "I don't know about all that, but I know this Christie guy is one crazy crusader. But at least the governor had the decency of planning on closing the bridge before his militia group was going to blow up the GWB. It's the most traveled bridge in the world, they say.
"He's not a nice guy, no, not at all, and knowing the governor, I can see all this bad karma that this writer, this Chris Hedges, is squawking about. But at least he didn't want anyone hurt when we actually detonated all those explosives to bring the GWB into the cold winter water. I could comment on the syntax of this article, but I won't. I'm not teaching linguistics right now, you see."
Father Teebone said the bridge was set to be blown up on Feb. 1. It's the same day that Christie's pet rabbit, who he had nurtured as a pre-teen child, bit him on the hand and caused him excruciating pain and a visit to the emergency room. A week after this nasty bite, the rabbit was found rummaging around a landfill dump outside of Clifton, N.J., and was transported to an animal shelter.