Written by Matt Birkenhauer
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Tuesday, 14 January 2014

image for GOP: "Stop Feeding Poor Kids Lunch and We'll Extend Benefits for the Long-term Unemployed"
"Please, sir, I want some more." Oliver Twist

WASHINGTON, DC--Rep. Al Newtrition, of the Tea Party Caucus in Congress, today announced that the House would be willing to extend unemployment benefits to the long-term unemployed only if the federal government would stop wasting money feeding poor kids at lunchtime.

Newtrition, from a district in rural east Texas, has proposed dropping the National School Lunch Program (NSLP), which provides low-cost and free lunches to an estimated 31 million low-income kids each day, as a way of offsetting the cost of extending unemployment benefits over the next several months. "This might be a way," Mr. Newtrition explained, "of incentivizing these kids' lazy-ass parents to get off their couches and go out and look for work."

Expounded Newtrition: "You want to get these goddamned slouchers out there and looking for work? Let 'em send their kids to school with no lunch. Let's hit these lazy SOBs where it hurts, their kids."

When it was pointed out to Al Newtrition that many of the children in this program come from families where at least one of the parents works, he shot back: "Well, obviously these kids' parents don't work hard enough! If the parents of these kids did work harder, they wouldn't be eligible for this free government handout, would they?"

"How many kids who come from wealthy backgrounds get free lunches?" the congressman smugly asked while finishing off some prime rib at The Lobbyist, his favorite Washington restaurant.

Newtrition burped, sipped off this wine, and added: "You want the poor to start working harder, let their kids go hungry. What we need in this country is some good old-fashioned tough love!" Rep. Newtrition then dropped a piece of fat from his prime rib to his faithful pit bull Ayn Rand, who accompanies the pugnacious congressman everywhere.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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