Written by Keith Shirey
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Thursday, 9 January 2014

image for Head Of NRA Shoots Self Is In Hospital

Pastor John Slaughter today was handed the NRA gavel to preside over the most powerful pro-gun lobby in the U.S. His sudden assent to be the gun group's top man was occasioned by former CEO, Wayne La Pisse, severely wounding himself through careless, negligent use of his magnum .44.

La Pisse is still in the hospital but expected to make a full recovery after the re-implantation of his left testicle.

Rev. Slalughter is well known in gun circles for the ΒΌ mile long shooting range behind his Church Of The Holy Ghost in Broken Urinal, GA. People come for miles around to enjoy the bonding that comes from shooting silhouettes and pictures of left-leaning gun control advocates.

The pastor in the past has been roundly criticized for using life-like cardboard cutouts of such advocates as Gabby Giffords and James Brady, both of whom were horribly wounded by attackers with firearms. He has said, "Sure, they're in bad taste but they do get the boys riled up and ready to go and do some real good shooting."

At a press conference today the pastor contended that the men in the room at the Constitutional Convention in Philadelphia, in 1787 were "inspired by The Lord, when the U.S. Constitution was drafted for ratification by the states.

"But, while they power to the government, they didn't properly limit it ."

"So the devout Christians men in those rooms created the Bill of Rights, which includes the 2nd amendment which gives the people the absolute right to bear and love their guns," he explained.

He went on to say that both the Constitutition and the Bill of Rights are sacred Christian documents. " So, It is your American God given right to own a semi-automatic pistol, rifle, shotgun, whatever you need to protect and defend yourself," he said.

A reporter asked if it wasn't the case that America was gun crazy because there were more guns than people in the U.S.

"Just speaking for myself, son, I am 'gun crazy.' They're beautiful objects mostly, works of art and the wood carvers for the beautiful ones are in touch with some creative forces in the universe that go way beyond ordinary explanations."

"Are you saying that religion is somehow involved in the creation of firearms sir," asked a reporter from the Associated Press.

The reverend seemed to be quite agitated at this point.

"Boy, you aren't listening. There's some sort of divine presence there in the creation of weapons that are aesthetically pleasing is what I said. That's not the major point, though. I always hearken back to the idea that to bear arms is an American God-given matter of moral goodness," he fairly shouted at the newsman.

There was a pause as he regained his composure. An Elmer Gantry smile brightened his face as he extended his arms and hands out to the assembled press.

"Behold, I God, even I am bringing the flood of water upon the earth, to destroy all flesh in which is the breath of life, from under heaven; everything that is on the earth shall perish. Genesis, 6:17," he smiled.

" See, God is our role model in these things. He slaughters all those humans who are evil. And sometimes we have to do the same. That's why there are such things as Stand Your Ground Laws in the great state of Florida and George Zimmerman."

"So what do you do when an evil person, say in a school, movie theatre, or a Girl Scout meeting wants to assault you, take your life. You follow God's example! You kill the bastard."

"You don't think God wants you to kill the bastards, defeat evil with your firearm? Listen, a gun is the modern-day replacement for brimstone and fire."

" What do I mean? Again, listen to the Word Of The Lord, 'Then the Lord rained on Sodom and Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the Lord out of heaven, and He overthrew those cities, and all the valley, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground" (Gen. 19:24-25).'

Now you get it don't you?

Obviously the pastor was acting as if he were preaching from the pulpit in Broken Urinal where he was probably much more at home, no doubt hearing a chorus of the occasional "A-Mens," than at a press conference where some of the reporters, some with their mouths open, looking at him with folded arms.

"Only in the cities of these peoples that the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, you shall not leave alive anything that breathes. But you shall utterly destroy them, the Hittite and the Amorite, the Canaanite and the Perizzite, the Hivite and the Jebusite, as the Lord your God has commanded you," he exclaimed once again shouting at the press.

"And that's the way I feel about gangbangers, rapists drug dealers, sodomites, child molesters and so on. You've got to be able to protect yourselves from them."

He looked around the room glaring at everyone. "Which one of you liberal reporters here wants to defend rape, child molestation, wife battering, murderers with intent to kill?"

Of course there was a kind of stunned silence.

"See, that's why gun ownership is an American God-given right. The Lord knows you're not going to defend yourself with a carrot or a dishtowel if one of these people is after you. You've got to fight fire with fire as God does. I rest my case."

Again, silence.

"Let us now bow our heads in prayer and ask that our brother Wayne have a most speedy recovery from his sad, heartbreaking accident."

The news conference ended, the reporters filing out, mostly with half-smiles shaking their heads. Obviously, pastor John Slaughter's term as head of the NRA might well be as fascinating as the man who was the gun groups' Moses, Charlton Heston.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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