Written by Smart Blonde Bimbo
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Topics: Police, evolution, Humans

Sunday, 5 January 2014

image for New Branch of the Evolutionary Family Tree Discovered

A population previously hidden in plain sight has been discovered here in Louisville. The DNA is so interwoven, that we cannot help but infer that inbreeding occurred much more often and earlier than previously thought.

The Denisovans of Asia are not the only breed of human so isolated. It appears that this second branch of the tree settled aeons ago in the Ohio valley, and then met up with just a few white British and French settlers--those who were too stupid to avoid such a population.

This gave rise to a select genome that appears here in Louisville, and nowhere else. The physical characteristics of this population are as follows:

They appear to have tempers and work best alone. Their level of education is at the most at high school, and they overwhelmingly prefer to use the caveman method of subduing females by pulling them out of vehicles and slamming them face first into the pavement.

Reading level is marginal--they appear to have great trouble with numbers. For example, one who happens to be a police officer (they'll hire anyone these days), believed that 25 miles an hour on a street sign is 15 miles an hour.

Officials have yet to give this population a name.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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