Written by Keith Shirey
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Sunday, 5 January 2014

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WASHINGTON - - - The Obama Administration today expanded access to mental health data in background checks for the federal system.

Under a new rule, paranoid schizophrenics, brutal lunatics who have been imprisoned for violence, insane child abusers, and people with a history of brutal psychotic episodes would be part of a national data system available to local law enforcement should they wish to access it.

Wayne La Pisse of the National Rife Association immediately attacked the plan as "an example of intrusive big brother government."

Sheriffs throughout the country who have refused in the past to enforce laws on gun control were also opposed. The new registry will probably have a muted effect in parts of the American heartland and the Old Confederacy where gun ownership is common and grass-roots opposition to tighter restrictions is high.

In Broken Urinal, GA. Sheriff Bull Conners said that Obama was intruding "on our way of life, which includes a little bit of craziness from the good ol' boys and such, but that's just part of life hereabouts."

In Liberty County, Fla., Sheriff Bill Pritchett was adamant that he would never consult the new federal registry for the violently insane.

"The 4th Amendment is clear. Every person has the right to gun ownership. You can only take their guns away from them after they've killed someone or something like that. Obama isn't going to interpret the Bill of Rights for me. I'm the one to do that," he said.

In Sacramento, CA., Sheriff Peter Pool said, "You can't trust a federal registry of the criminally insane because those psychiatrists who commit people don't necessarily know what they're doing."

He continued, " Of course I do have to admit that my cousin Earle, before he damn near killed his wife Ruby, did give some warning signs that he might go off his rocker when he threw a bowling ball at her at Green Leaf Lanes."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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