Written by Szandor Menzies
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Tuesday, 31 December 2013

image for Obama's "Anti-Terrorism Branch"
Barack Obama

Hope was a dying ember in a decaying star. The populous was living in constant fear; they were afraid to leave their dwellings, afraid to trust anyone who wasn't a white, heterosexual, Christian American for fear they may be terrorists. The working class were forced to eat their children, due to the ever increasing paranoia that if they stepped outside, they would be bombarded with weapons of mass destruction. Even the most blindly patriotic were beginning to lose faith in their government.

Ere the United States of America devolved into anarchy, a light appeared in the once thought impenetrable darkness. The light then took the form of a man, and the man proclaimed himself to be "Barack Obama". Barack Obama had a solution to cure the ailments that crippled the once great nation.

In a recent interview, Obama recalled how he had formulated a solution which would pull the United States of America out of the pits of Hell.

Sitting in a bar one night, he recalled, a man approached him. The man sat next to him, and told him how he may be able to help with the current crisis. Obama was only half listening, as he was drowning in a pool of misery, tears, and whisky. The man then opened his coat, and from within its depths he pulled out a branch. "This," said the man. "Shall protect this nation from the threat of terrorism." The man promptly left, and Obama was left sitting there with the branch. He looked at it for some time, scepticism filling him. However, he decided to take the branch, in order to protect himself if gypsies were camping on the lawn of the White House.

With no gypsies in sight, he set the branch aside, not giving it another thought; that is until a week later.

At the end of the week, after he sent his dog to look for gypsies, the dog brought back the branch that the mysterious man had given him. Then, an epiphany struck him like a bolt of lightning. Since he had the branch, Obama reminisced, there hadn't been one act of terrorism. Scepticism slowly flowing from his body, he decided to bring the branch inside with him.

Months past, and since Obama was given the branch, not one single act of terrorism had occurred. Obama assumed, naturally, that it was a gift from the gods, and immediately ordered a press conference.

The proclamation of the "Anti-Terrorism Branch" restored hope to even those that were forced to eat their children. Many left their houses for the first time in years, and were blinded by the light that shrouded Obama.

Through the Anti-Terrorism Branch, Obama was immortalised. Churches were demolished and replaced with gargantuan shrines dedicated to Obama.

"To Barack Obama!" millions chanted on the day of the announcement. "The greatest black President in the history of the United States of America!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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