Special to TPN - After the resounding success of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), President Obama has decided to launch a new effort to reinvent the wheel. Leading this initiative will be former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, best known for having put Skippy Peanut Butter on the menu for all state dinners.
The announcement came during a routine news conference, when the President emphasized that "The Chinese have been active in this area for several years. We don't want America to fall victim to a wheel gap, similar to the missile gap that surfaced during the Cold War." When Chuck Todd of NBC News reminded the President that the missile gap was essentially illusory, the President shot back, "That's ancient history. Even Senator Ted Cruz has stated that roundness is not the ultimate answer to wheel shape. His subcommittee is to hold hearings on the issue beginning next week."
Former President Carter will be leaving his post as Honorary Chairman of the International UFO Bureau in Dallas, Texas. "My work here is done," said Carter. "I'll be giving a speech at the Roswell UFO Museum, then it's off to Washington to solve the mysteries of wheel shape. I've been around long enough to know that there are no final answers, except for the wisdom derived from that wheel-shaper in the sky, Great God Almighty Himself, or Herself, Itself, or Whatever."
In related news, Russian researchers are rumored to have found an alternative to "roundness" for wheel shape. Russian president Vladimir Putin will announce the researchers' findings after the grand opening of the Gulag Workers Resort in northern Siberia but before the Sochi Winter Olympics begin in February. Putin is training for judo competition in the 2016 Olympics in Brazil, where he hopes to extend his record to more than 3,000 wins.