SARASOTA, FL - From his cardboard box at the corner of Lemon St. & Main., homeless drunkard Carlton Pennyfeather III(esquire) voiced his concerns regarding statements made earlier this week by 'Duck Dynasty' star Phil Robertson.
"I mean who the Mc-hell does he think-iate he is?!" slurred Pennyfeather, "Just because I imbiberate booze all day, and and and have decided to select-ify a cardboard box as my residence, this makes me a sinner?! I am deeply insult-uated(sic)", the articulate Pennyfeather continued. "Hell-a-Mcboberino, I attenduate the 'Lords Service' every Sunday, my 'weekend getaway' box is right in front of a church", snockered Pennyfeather.
Mr Pennyfeather was, of course referring to the interview given by Robertson for 'GQ' magazine in which Robertson expresses his beliefs that homosexuals, and drunkards amoung others, are 'sinners' and will not 'Inherit the Kingdom of God'. The interview has sparked a firestorm throughout the 'Wino' community.
"I am an upstanding member of my community" stated Pennyfeather who we would stop quoting, but he threatened to 'boycott' this news source if we did, "I read my Bible and drinkin' wine is mentioned over 150 times. Heck, Jesus loved the stuff and when he ran out he would just take water and miracalize it into the best wine around".
The organization W.A.S.P.(Winos Against Sober People)wrote a letter expressing "outrage and deep concern" about the recent ill-informed remarks made by Phil Robertson. The letter went on to state that "Alcoholism is a disease, it's not a choice, and to suggest otherwise is dangerous." we cannot comment further on this letter since the W.A.S.P. member in charge of mailing it went on a 'bender' and has not been seen since.
The 'drunkard' known as Pennyfeather went on to declare that "Hey, we all know that them 'gay-ginger boys' and those lesboidian she-bulls are sinners, but hell-in-a-handbaskeratonium, us 'drunkards' should not be lumpdimacated in with the like-imications of thems" quoth the intellectual, but Drunk, Pennyfeather.
....In a recent development, 'Anuses' from around the world have puckered together as one to decry Robertsons statement that "vaginas are more desireable than anuses". See 'The Anus Monolouges' in our next edition.....
NOTE: The above article reflects the opinions and the views of the writer and not this news source. This news source loves the GLTB community, drunkards and anuses everywhere.