Washington, DC - Americans won't have Capitalism to kick around anymore. The economic system that built the nation is calling it quits, scheduled to retire next month, when Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke steps down.
In an impromptu news conference, staged in back of the Georgetown 7-Eleven, Bernanke said that he considered Capitalism to be an old friend. But a friend who hasn't been himself lately. "Bailing out the mortgage industry, rescuing the insurers, saving the big banks - that's not the Capitalism I know. The thrill is gone."
Asked where the next get-rich-quick scheme is coming from, Bernanke said the Federal Reserve has been auditioning new economic models for the past two years.
"We brought back the original 'Idol' panel of Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul to handle the first-round judging," he added. "They are narrowing down the field to three choices, which America will vote on during a spinoff show, called American Idle."
The Fed Chairman believes that a newcomer called Carnivalism will come out on top. "Step right up and see how it works. First, all US currency would be exchanged for those little 'Admit One' tickets that carnivals sell out of those tiny booths. Next, we would replace the big banks with financial providers who can fit in those ticket booths. That will free up space for the rides and games.
"The idea is to make economics fun and exciting," Bernanke said. "That carnival atmosphere will encourage people to use the little tickets to try and win more tickets. All the classic games will be available: whack a mole, frog launcher, dunk a derivative, Pull A Ponzi- you can almost smell the cotton candy."
Asked how the rest of the world might perceive Carnivalism, Bernanke pointed out that America owes lots of people, lots of cash. "Carnivalism gives them a chance to double or even triple their money, while personally participating in such great American pastimes as Texas Hold 'Em and Bankruptcy."