Written by John Peurach
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Saturday, 14 December 2013

image for Absolutely Positively: Wild & Wonderful World Of SoCal Porn Could Be Delayed Until Further Notice
NO LIGHTS, NO CAMERA, NO ACTION - Having a no you know what time of it finding that there rhythm and/or rhyme of it.

LOS ANGELES - The Southern California-based pornographic film industry appears to now be on the verge of yet another shutdown as a result of an announcement Friday that one of its performers recently tested positive for HIV.

Neither the most likely not recognizable name, and, as has so far been carefully observed, pre-chosen gender of the porn performer in question been officially released for further public consumption.

Although, in an altogether strange but true quirk-driven side note, of sorts, brought on no doubt by the current state of constantly free-flowing/anything but still pending information going on, somewhere out there/in here, concerning most if not all of us, Mr. or Ms. Whoever Pornstar's full and complete PayPal purchases of Hummel figurines on eBay dating back to 2006 were somehow leaked out accordingly to all those paid big shucks to be in the know, show & tell business.

Meanwhile, authorities within the Free Speech Play On Words Consortium, the adult-film industry play or trade group of overly cautious non-sexually driven window shoppers that made the alarming public health revelation, and subsequently demanded that there be an immediate interruptus until further notice moratorium on any further upcoming filming of pornographic product, revealed that the HIV-positive test result originated at a testing center (with no waiting, and plenty of free parking) in Los Angeles.

If and when their well advised plan of money shot not action is put into motion, any such shutdown would be the fourth one to occur during this current calendar year.

"Are we still going to be having this argument and/or continuing variation on not your father's taffy pull when there's the 10th shutdown or the 20th? Or the 50th infection? Or only if and when Adam Sandler, Ben Stiller, Miley Cyrus, or, worse yet, one or more of the Kardashians ever gets involved with one of these productions?" said Wichael Meinstein, V.P. in Charge of Pointing Out The Obvious for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation Organization Realization Committee, an extremely active advocacy group of well-meaning citizens with no real hobbies to speak of primarily because they spend all waking and a significant amount of twilight sleep hours pushing and shoving whatever they can for a statewide ordinance that would require condoms be repeatedly utilized on all porn sets as something other than occasional cupcake decorations during cast parties, Super Bowl get togethers, and, of course, any ill-advised field trips co-sponsored by the LA Unified School District and the Jay Sin Outreach Program For Soon To Be Very At Risk Underage Anal Professionals.

The Free Speech Play On Words Consortium said that more members than usual of its totally up to speed (once they ran out of coffee and peppermint schnapps) watchdog group were still working to identify an otherwise extended array of apparently ultra-receptive recent partners of the latest performer who just tested positive.

"And although there was nothing to suggest this particular case is linked to any HIV-positive results from earlier in the year, we kind of think that it might have something to do with a recently completed whirlwind weekend of nothing but totally reckless unprotected anal sex that occurred at an otherwise undisclosed location in a well appointed palatial residence high in the Hollywood Hills overlooking the San Fernando Valley," and, is apparently now the centerpiece attraction in the just released, "Nuthin' Butt Ass 2," said Mona Shapiro-Threeweigh, a spokeswoman for the industry group. " Which means, of course, we got plenty of our people looking long and hard at it while we speak. Or, will be once a minimal amount of feeling returns to their hands, assorted other about the body locations, and, oh yeah, one of the interns around here, at long last, finally locates the remote."

Meanwhile, and so it all does - if only just because - slide accordingly within this particular business as usual for all those in the consortium responsible for staying ahead of the nearest available HIV curve, of sorts, are concerned.

In other words, in May they called for a complete and uncompromising shutdown once it became official that well known porn actress Bameron Cay had tested positive for HIV.

A second shutdown subsequently kicked into gear a month later in June - just in time for dads and grads - when an industry affiliated affordable healthcare physician alerted the media and the consortium with anything but fun results of yet another HIV-positive performer.

And finally, there was the third shutdown which ultimately proved to not be as typically serious to the porn community at large as the previous cause for cease and desist activities were within its anything but cautious world of well traveled high end sexuality.

But still, nonetheless, was, for a while there during the High Holidays this past September, nothing to write home about for one unidentified fine young local Rabbinical student who reportedly came down with a monumentally severe yeast infection as a result of an altogether inappropriate unchaperoned night on the town with a softer than usual loaf of Challah.

All of which quickly proved to most definitely be a major case of don't touch and, oh yeah, ever even think about proceeding past go.

Or, something like that, if not way more so, yeah, what else is new?

Not sure. But, for now, this'll just have to do.

Make John Peurach's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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