Nome, Alaska - The Republican Tea Party can no longer be accused of not having an alternative to Obama Care, according to presidential contender Sarah Palin. The former Alaska governor this week introduced the party's SAD program, an acronym that stands for Self-Assessment and Diagnosis.
"Study after study have shown that Americans are spending too much on health care," Palin said. "Doctors and hospitals and drugs are just too expensive for the average American, and things are only getting worse."
The SAD plan is designed to reverse the trend by introducing Do It Yourself (DYI) medicine to the entire nation. "The idea is to give every man, woman and child the tools they need to assess their own condition and apply a cure," Palin said. "So whenever you feel sick, you'll find a remedy in your SAD Sack."
According to the Tea Party, the do-it-yourself medical bag includes:
1,000 units of Tylenol - Take two of these whenever you get the urge to call your doctor or local hospital. Medical professionals are much too busy to deal with you, and anyway you'll never figure out their unlisted phone numbers.
Three slightly worn scalpels - Using these in conjunction with directions from your car's GPS system will give you the ability to perform virtually any operation, and get great mileage while you're doing it.
Milton Bradley's Operation game - Hone your skills like the professional saw bones do: on America's number one electronic surgical simulator. How do you get to the Mayo Clinic? Practice, practice, practice. And be particularly careful with the simulated funny bone. Your real patients are going to need their sense of humor.
One gross of Smith Brothers cough drops - Sarah's favorite is cherry.
Ten dozen Tetley tea bags - Researchers are examining if those tiny little tea leaves have healing powers and can deliver restorative energy. Brew some up and tell us what you find. If nothing else, it will take your mind off your illness, which odds are, is resistant to all the tea in China.
Six waiting room magazines - Reading three-year-old issues gives one a sense of longevity and destiny control. It's like time travel without the doctor.
Ten cases of bandages - You wouldn't believe the amount of blood produced by even the simplest surgery. And God forbid you're hit by a car!
A framed diploma - It worked for the Scarecrow. Just remember to hang it on the wall, genius.
One rectal thermometer - With instructions showing Liberals precisely where they can stick it.