Intrepid Brit explorer Ralph Fiend has returned from an extensive surveying expedition in Australia. Often confused with the actor Sir Ranulph Fiends, Sir Ranulph said, "The expedition was set up to see if Australia was as many people have reported just a Life Saver Candy shape of beaches with nothing in the interior".
"There is a lot of good surfing and beer out there! It is just such a long way to travel. There's a big hole in the middle. As a holiday destination it is being steadily developed, for instance there is a stone in the desert with its own airport, an antique bridge in Sydney and a shell shaped Opera House which was innovative in 1959 but looks pathetic now.
The fact that the Antipodeans think these things are worth going all that bloody way for, shows how much of a laughing stock they will become if they don't move with the times. Almost everything that moves is poisonous, deadly or eats you.
The whole country becomes a huge bonfire every summer and it never rains so the crops are watered with beer and there are sharks, crocodiles, poisonous spiders and mosquitos.