Written by colebishop
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Wednesday, 4 December 2013

image for Local Man Decides To Not Quit Smoking
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Dan Riley, 31, of Madison, WI announced in a press conference today that he no longer intends to quit smoking, and that everyone can just kiss his ass. Lighting a cigarette, Riley explained his decision, "I really wanted to quit, too; not anymore. Oh, and I'm not just not quitting either--I'm going to smoke more. I'm sick of all you assholes coming up to me to tell me how dangerous smoking is. I'm done pretending like I'm ashamed to smoke."

Riley demonstrated the body language and tone of voice he would use in the past in order to deflect judgment made by pretentious jerkoffs. "I'd catch shit from random people on the street; I'd have to lie about how I was trying to quit, and how much of a 'disgusting habit' it was; and how disgusted I was with myself for throwing away my money and my health; I'd lay it on thick until whoever was protesting my smoking was thoroughly convinced they were a better person than me and would leave me the hell alone," Riley explained, "now, I'm turning my walk-in closet into a smoking room."

Lighting another cigarette, Riley stated that he no longer wants to hear stories from random strangers about how their grandmothers, fathers, uncles, etc. died gruesome, slow, cigarette-related deaths. "I especially hate the assholes who used to smoke. There's nothing worse than these people because they have to tell you how great they feel, how they can run up the stairs; why would someone run up the stairs anyway? Makes no sense."

Catching his breath after a coughing fit, Dan informed us that he doesn't know if he'll ever quit smoking, but if he does he plans on turning into a neurotic pest, developing obviously fake allergies to cigarette smoke, and crusading against everyone who uses legal tobacco products.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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