Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 3 December 2013

image for Chimp's 'legal personhood' lawsuit a major threat to simians like George Dubya Bush
The Chimperor in all his finery

New York - Lawyers acting for the 'Chimperor' ex-President of the United States are mounting a legal challenge to an animal frights charity lawsuit that's demanding constitutional parity for a New York chimp.

Hairy Apes Anonymous is petitioning a New York state court to bar the possibility of 26 year-old Meat Packing District resident Tommy 'Banana-Face' Chimpazoori being recognized as 'a cognitively complex autonomous legal person' .

The challenge would bar what Tommy's legal team say is his and other chimps' 'fundamental legal right not to be interfered with, deprived of voting rights, imprisoned in Chimp Gitmo or detained under any existing animal mental health legislation'.

However Bush's Skull 'n' Bones Society-funded lobby group wants to crush any potential recognition of chimpanzees' complex cognitive abilities that animal behaviourists say are strictly protected when found in human beings - without any bothersome psychological testing of their top client Dubya.

The hearing has been further complicated by a parallel lawsuit 'class action' brought by PetroEcuador-funded NYC shyster lawyer Steven Donziger who is demanding multi-billion dollar reparations from the American government for all chimps, apes and simians 'imprisoned' and 'environmentally polluted' in US state zoos.

Commenting on the proceedings Ecuador's mafioso president Rafael Correa said today: "WFT is my $19 billion from the Chevron lawsuit?"

Expect the NYC hearing to last for months.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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