SOMEWHERE IN ALASKA-Sarah Palin, the one-time ex-governor of Alaska and John McCain's running mate in his 2008 presidential bid, was eaten by a grizzly bear Wednesday while hunting caribou with her hunting buddy Ted Cruz.
Palin, who was about to shoot a young buck standing next to his mother, didn't see the Mama Grizzly sneaking up on her as she was aiming her gun. Neither did Ted Cruz, who was on his cell phone with Charles Koch planning the next government shutdown.
Said Jen, the Mama Grizzly who feasted on Palin: "That woman makes me see red! Here she was, this megaphone for the pro-life movement, ready to take out a young buck standing tall and proud right next to his mother! I'm pro-choice myself, though I usually keep that to myself; but I couldn't allow this woman to take the life of another sentient being, someone's son, just to hang over her gaudy fireplace at home, or wherever the hell she hangs all her stuffed trophies!"
Mike Simmons, interviewing the Mama Grizzly for Field and Stream, asked her how the grizzly community in general felt about abortion. Said Jen: "Well, like most of the world, we're kind of divided on the issue. Did you know that grizzlies have one of the lowest reproductive rates of North American terrestrial mammals? There's a reason for that: This is a tough environment to raise a cub in, and it doesn't help that these assholes have to go around shooting at us, to prove to themselves that they have a sack between their legs."
Asked by Simmons why she didn't eat Ted Cruz after finishing off Palin, Jen replied: "He's not a real hunter. He just does it for show. He's running for president in 2016, you know. He's got to prove he's got some cohones down there, and what better way to do that in the Republican Party than to do a photo op hunting?"