Washington, DC-Mitch McConnell (R, AL) introduced legislation today to make the creation of slow websites created by the executive branch a treasonable and therefore impeachable offense and punishable for the first offense is waterboarding. For the second offense, execution by lethal injection. The hierarchy of treasonable offenses would be updated to include slow executive branch websites to be right below receiving oral sex from an intern.
Lying about weapons of mass destruction to get into war, allowing large buildings to be destroyed while ignoring warnings, and bankrupting the country will continue to not be on the list. Selling arms to enemy countries in order clandestinely fund freedom fighters will also continue to be allowed.
Senator McConnell pledged to filibuster all through Christmas recess if this bill does not receive the support he thinks it should.
In unrelated developments, the corpse of Abraham Lincoln was still reported to be mysteriously spinning in its grave.