ASPEN, Co. - An arctic cold front moved into most of the U.S. this weekend, cutting off global warming activists from their private jets and threatened to derail their summit for preaching sensible energy use in the cocaine tinged mountain colony of Aspen, Colorado.
Many gathered around the suite of one activist which happened to have an electric fireplace. Unfortunately it burnt down after one drunken attendee decided to use real firewood and kindling which he produced by turning his private jet around so that the thrust of the engine caused many virgin fir and beech trees to become unhinged from their roots.
Another group gingerly rampaged through the forest with decorative tomahawks they had absconded from a local novelty shop, stripping forest creatures of their fur and then taping it together with duct tape, making sure to cover first their botox faces and silicone breasts, the areas most vulnerable to frostbite induced gangrene.
As all the other attendees fought to keep warm, guest speaker, Al Gore, was found alone in a large empty meeting room, gladly taking in the buffet table, suctioning up the contents much like an elephant grazing on the Serengeti, but with much less attention to finesse and decorum. A few turkey vultures could be seen circling above the open skylight but when it was apparent to them that Mr. Gore might actually have a predilection to live avian creatures, they dismissed themselves from the area, preferring to partake on the entrails of small rodents and carion left over from the scalping party previously mentioned in this article.
Although the convention was deemed by most a disaster, the group was heartened to find that no reports of the occasion, with the exception of this one, ever made it out to the general public and so their virtuous and pious reputation would continue to remain unsullied.