Written by Harry Buttz
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Friday, 22 November 2013

San Francisco, Ca - A new study shows more gay men are waiting to 'tie the knot' before they 'thread the needle'. Researchers at The Assbury Institute have determined that the 'risqué', 'wanton' behavior towards sex many heterosexuals believe to be characteristic of homosexuals, is a stereotype and simply untrue.

"Mother taught me long ago, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" quipped Herve Bustaknutt, "there will be no 'lust and thrust' until there's a ring on this finger".

Fueled by the growing acceptance and legalization of same-sex marriage, more gays are practicing celibacy in hopes of attracting a more favorable mate. "We gay men have high standards and morals, I mean I won't even kiss till the third date" admitted one gay man. "It's the heteros' who are morally corrupt, with teenage pregnancy and all, you never hear of a 'man-boy love' member impregnating his teen mate", ejaculated the very gay man.

With the legalization of same-sex marriage spreading like wildfire across the nation, gays can now realize the dream historically afforded only to heterosexuals. "On my wedding night, I want my man to have an untainted, unadulterated experience, that is why I will stay chaste" exclaimed a different, very gay man. "I want a good man, a house with a white pickett fence, a dog in the yard, 2.5 kids, I want the American dream" continued the same very gay man.

Researchers at the Assbury Institute claim their research was based on solid foundations "we called up a lot of people. Huh?...On the phone..." and reflects the true sentiment of most homosexual males today.

"I vow to not: Dip the wick, churn the butter, bury the one eyed worm, glaze the brown donut, park the beef bus in brown town or ride the caboose to the glory hole of love" is an excerpt from the 'war cry' utilized by many males enlisted in a small but growing faction of chaste, gay males today.

Not only does the study show these convictions are held steadfast in the reception or the receiving end of sex play, but, also in the giving end or front (although it has been proven that most gay males would rather 'receive' than to 'give'). "My penis is a temple, my foreskin will not ripple", a 'shout out' to the abstinence practiced by many gay men fighting the temptations of pre-martial sex.

"Once again" petitioned The Assbury Institute, "this research has been performed solely on the basis of 'man on man' sex, no gay females have been interviewed..., the values and morals of the basic lesboidian have yet to be uncovered".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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