ARVADA, CO-Personhood USA, the lobbying group that believes the rights of a five-day old blastocyst trump those of the mother carrying it, is calling for charging Mother Nature with crimes against humanity for the spontaneous abortions of millions of human beings since the dawn of time, which they maintain was 4,000 years ago, when God made the earth from leftover scraps he had in His garage after creating the universe.
Said spokesperson Vitalia Rose, of Personhood USA: "Mother Nature, by our estimation, has slaughtered literally millions, if not billions, of the pre-born. Obviously she has aligned herself with the baby killers of the secular left and of Planned Parenthood. We here at Personhood USA believe that the God-given rights of the pre-born are beyond compromise or, for that matter, nature."
Mother Nature, undeterred by the potential charges, shot back: "Who are these people? Aside from my systematic use of miscarriage for fetuses that would have died or lived short, miserable lives anyway, who are they to say that a ten-day old blasotcyst, of maybe 100 to 200 cells, trumps the rights and decision-making capacity of a fully grown and conscious woman? Who are these crazies?"
Replied Vitalia Rose: "The pre-born are God's gift to women and no one--not Mother Nature, not men, not women, not the government, or anyone else--should have a stake in deciding if and when women give birth to it--or them--whatever. That decision is God's alone, and His ways are mysterious."
Mother Nature only shook her head and said, "Obviously, my miscarriages should have been better targeted."
Asked by a reporter from the Washington Post what she planned to do next, Mother Nature pointed out that Personhood USA is located in Colorado, which was recently decimated by floods, and added, with a flourish, "Oh, it's not nice to mess with Mother Nature."