Written by joseph k winter
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Thursday, 21 November 2013

image for Toronto mayor in Santa dress embarrassed by false child
Mr. Ford as Mother Claus gave "the laughing frog" gift to each child coming to his knee

Spokespersons and law representatives for Toronto Mayor Mr. Rob Ford have come forth to clarify yesterday's incident downtown at Eaton's Department Store.

Mr. Ford had been contracted to appear as Santa in the toy department but dressed in a female outfit, hence no long white beard.

According to spokespersons Mr. Ford sought a new and wholesome image in terms of presenting a female Santa with customary Santa garb cut in the nature of women's attire, as with long flowing skirt.

He added a blond wig down to his shoulders plus lipstick and plenty of rouge as disguise against protesters. Possibly however this ruse did not succeed.

Mr. Ford became uneasy when he noticed facial hair on the cheeks of a "child" sitting on his knee in terms of stick-like black hair follicles, noticeable at the chin.

He then rose abruptly upsetting the child onto the floor, which brought a storm of disapproval from shoppers waiting in line with their children. Police were summoned.

But Mr. Ford hotly declared his innocence in that this "child" was obviously some kind of dwarf police "plant" dressed as a child.

The infant had offered to his ear (while he kindly leaned down to hear the child's wishes for Christmas) a free opium pipe specially ornamented and all the way from somewhere in Burma.

According to a lawyer for Mr. Ford who insisted on anonymity the central question is responsibility.

This incident had in fact focused and symbolized exactly the problem in that other people were constantly casting out false impression, innuendo, and entrapment for the embattled mayor of the city.

It wasn't his fault that he had smoked crack cocaine, purchased marijuana, and knocked down Councilor Pam McConnell, in defense of recent behaviors that have fallen under scrutiny.

All those problems ultimately derived from the actions of others with their entrapment programs.

These are continually aimed at the mayor in a vicious display of enmity due to his success in Toronto legislative matters over the past three years.

Further, Mr. Ford's comments in defense of himself, if at times unsavory, are entirely the fault of the news media, and the way it pressures a person into defensive behavior.

When he said recently that he had "more than enough to eat at home" that comment was clarification and directed at actual food materials (or consumption of carbohydrates).

His legal spokesperson emphasized that the remark could not be considered "misspeaking" and had nothing to do with the vicious rumor that he had requested oral sex with a former staff member.

Mr. Ford's stint as Mother Claus at Eaton's was unfortunately brought to a close with the "false child" down and helpless on the linoleum. This small person then disappeared. Possibly Mr. Ford imagined the event.

However, in the melee, a child nearby who might have been the one on his knee was heard saying, "I want a toy railway track. So I can learn trains. What's wrong with that?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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