Republicans, stung by criticism that they have no viable or compassionate plan to help the 30 million Americans without health insurance, today proposed replacing the Affordable Care Act, popularly known as Obamacare, with what they are calling the Affordable Death Act, or ADA.
Said James DeMean, of the right-leaning think tank Heritage Reaction, which opposes the Affordable Care Act: "We here at Heritage Reaction, of course, believe that the invisible hand of the market should decide whether or not Americans receive adequate health care, not some sprawling, burdensome government program. However, we Republicans are not heartless, which is why we are proposing the ADA, or Affordable Death Act, which my colleague, Sen. Allan DePrick, will explain in more detail."
Explained DePrick: "If you are among those 30 million Americans whom the invisible hand of the market gives the finger to, we're on your side! If you have a pre-existing condition, or are dying of a terminal illness, we think that your death should not be a financial burden to you or your family. That's why we're proposing the ADA, or the Affordable Death Act."
"For anyone who has to face the inevitable without the aid of health insurance, we will guarantee the dying person one free visit to the emergency room should the occasion arise, and one free pine box coffin once the dying person reaches the other side. In fact, if the grieving family kicks in another $100.00, we'll even varnish the pine box coffin and add flowers."
Amid charges from Tea Party activist Ned Schmooze of Freedom Jerks that this is still one more burdensome government program for the poor, DePrick explained that the program would not be a burden on America's taxpayers, but would instead be funded by a nationwide raffle of gift certificates for Hospice Centers all over the country.
Enthused DePrick: "Think what a great stocking stuffer those Hospice Center coupons will be for a family member this Christmas! Think of it as the gift that keeps on giving."