CLASSIFIED - The nation's premier intelligence organization is getting out of the espionage game to become the world's largest computer dating service, according to documents released today by super snitch Edward Snowden.
At an undisclosed location, on an unmentionable date, the NSA will go from being the National Security Agency to become the Bureau Of Intimate Affairs. The group's 35,000 employees have already traded in their laptops and their secret decoder rings for lab coats, a DVD of the 16th season of Dr. Phil, and an unlimited supply of one-size-fits-all condoms.
"We were never very good at spying," an NSA spokesman said. "9/11, triggering wars by releasing bogus intelligence, wasting billions of taxpayer money, year after year, and now being brought down by a computer clerk… Whatever we touched turned into trouble."
But the NSA always had an ability for one thing - mindlessly collecting information. Lots of it. Anywhere. At any time. As a result, it knows more about Americans than they know about themselves.
"Who better to create relationship connections between consenting adults?" the spokesman said. "The new Bureau of Intimate Affairs will use its vast field of NSA intelligence to give every American the compatible relationship he or she desires."
It's all accomplished in three easy steps, according to a Bureau directive, which was found inside a half-baked fortune cookie:
First, the participant is given a copy of his or her "permanent record" which was compiled by the Bureau from its vast storehouse of data. These include bank statements, railroad tickets, visits to public restrooms, mini-golf scorecards, "performance reviews" by former partners, plus 207 other points of personal information.
Second, the participant signs off on his file, or opts for a review, which can take as little as four minutes or as much as 10 years.
Third, the participant's file is cross referenced against those of millions of potential mates through a process called Martinizing, which was adapted from the dry cleaning industry. In less than an hour, the participant has 365 potential mates from which to choose - one for each day of the year.
Comparisons to ObamaCare need not apply. "Naturally, this is all built upon a website, where the participant can enter requests," the spokesman said. "To make sure there were no glitches, we purchased an already operating site and adapted it to the Bureau's needs. It's called BadaBing.Bada.gov. And it already seems to be quite active."