Charles and David Koch, the two fossil fuel industrialists who created the Tea Party to scare the shit out of mainstream Republicans, announced today that they are buying out the 2016 election.
The two brothers, who spent millions of dollars in 2012 to try to defeat Barack Obama, other Democrats, and any Republican to the left of Joe McCarthy, said they were tired of fiddling around the edges, supporting this or that Tea Party kook from districts so red they still boasted whites-only water fountains.
Said Charles Koch: "Fuck it. We're tired of playing around. We're just going to buy the whole election lock, stock, and barrel, and then we're going to buy Washington D. C. to house our president and congressmen in until we need them to further the interests of--of--whose interests do we want them to further, David?"
"The job creators! Us! Anybody except the moochers and the takers. Hell! Who cares, as long as we can continue to fuck up the environment and make our billions? Thank God we made that down payment on Citizens United, right John?"
John Roberts, the Supreme Court Justice who orchestrated the decision that resulted in Citizens United, took Koch's cock out of his mouth just long enough to give the younger Koch brother an enthusiastic thumbs up.