CATALINA ISLAND, California - The United States Coast Guard has just notified the governor of California that they have spotted a huge mound of rotting rubbish that is heading for the West Coast.
Captain Jonas P. Plattski, 53, stated that he estimates that the humongous island of trash probably weighs a little over 5 million tons and is a result of two natural disasters.
He said that the garbage pile is a result of the 2011 Japanese tsunami and the sinking of a Chinese trash freighter, The China Dragon Lady that was sailing from Shanghai, China to the Philippines when it was hit by a typhoon and sank.
Captain Plattski stated that the gigantic mound is currently located 1,693 miles from the coast of California. The Toxic Monster is made up of pieces of homes, automobiles, trucks, boats, motorcycles, Christmas trees, big screen TV's, trash bins, millions of chopsticks, and hundreds of stop signs.
The garbage heap is believed to be at least 2.9 times larger than England and Wales combined.
Word out of Washington, D.C. is that President Obama is considering the possibility of firing several missiles into the enormous floating island of trash and blowing it all to hell before it makes its way to the beautiful Left Coast beaches.
SIDENOTE: The president has sent Vice-President Joe Biden down to Redondo Beach, California to oversee the situation and give the command to fire as many missiles as the Air Force feels is necessary to totally annihilate the friggin oceanic menace.